Jokerday

[Neptune]

The Talking Clock




A drunk walks out of a bar after closing time and invites two friends up to seehis new apartment.

The friends see there is a gong with a rubber mallet against the bedroom wall and ask why it's there.

The drunk replies,

"It's not a gongit's a talking clock, watch."

He picks up the mallet and smashes the gong.

From the other side of the wall a voice yells

"It's 4AM you idiot!"

[Neptune]

Good & Bad News




A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked tospeak to his client.


“Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied,

"You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said,

"Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically,

"Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied,

"The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[Neptune]

Adoption



A married couple who are circus performers wish to adopt a child.

When they go to the adoption agency the agency questions the living conditions for a child in a traveling circus.

The couple takes out photos of their state of the art, luxurious 45' motor home.

The agency still has concerns about the child's education but the couple tells them the circus travels with tutors who in addition to standard courses, teach Spanish, French and Computer Courses.

The agency also questions about medical care for the child and the couple advises them that the circus travels with a doctor and nurses.

This satisfies the agency and they ask what age child does the couple want.

The couple answers,

"The age doesn't matter as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

[Neptune]

Catholic Hair Dryer



In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin .

Instructors are also advised that a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying.

This is a perfect example of this teaching:

Getting a hairdryer through customs ...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her,

'Father, may I ask a favor of you?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.

It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?

Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'

'I would love to help you my dear; but, I must warn you, I will not lie!'

'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure no one will question you!'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked,

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare'

The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked,

'And what do you have to declare from your waist down to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'

[Neptune]

Chief Cook



An Admiral decides to visit one of the ships under his command and chooses to eat with some of the crew.

He is impressed that the Navy insignia is on all the biscuits.

He visits the chief cook who says

"After I make the biscuits I smack them against my belt which has the insignia."

The Admiral is horrified and says

"That's extremely unsanitary!"

The cook replies

"In that case sir, don't eat the donuts."

[Neptune]

Acme -  The Best Healthy Diet for Men Company




I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a Voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most Stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life.

She is Wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck That reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck.

So for the next Four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?"  asks the representative on the phone. "This is our Most rigorous program."

"Absolutely,"  I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running Shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."

I lost 63 pounds that week .

[Neptune]

A lawyer dies...



A lawyer dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke).

St. Peter, of course, is there, examining the files and asking some quick questions.

"What kind of lawyer were you?"

"Oh, I was a family lawyer," was the answer.

"Name?" asks St. Pete.

The lawyer gives his name and St. Peter finds his file.

"Oh yes, we are waiting for you.You have reached your stipulated time."

The lawyer says, "I do not understand, how can that be? I'm only 48 years old."

ST. Peter looks back at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible."

"Why you say that?" asks the lawyer.

"Well," says St. Peter, "we have been observing your fees and the hours you charged your clients. By our calculations, you must be at least 93 years old!"

[rasbridge]

The only cow in a small Russian village stopped giving milk, so the villagers went to Minsk and bought a new one. The Dow produced lots of milk, and the people were so happy they decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. But the cow wanted nothing to do with the bull, constantly moving away every time Ferdinand approached. So, the villagers asked their wise Rabbi what to do.
After some reflection, the Rabbi asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"You are truly wise," said the villagers. "How did you know?"
The Rabbi answered sadly, "Because my wife is from Minsk."